The guy is a hunk. He’s 22 years old and can afford to pay for maids, cooks, and anything else he
and anyone around him desires. He’s in love with his girlfriend and committed to “making it
So why is the girlfriend, a “production assistant” in the movies, giving him an ultimatum?
She doesn’t like that he doesn’t cook and doesn’t clean up for himself. She’s convinced him
he’s not a “fully functioning human being” because he doesn’t do these things! My answer
would be yes, she is nuts!
She is violating two of the six relationship don’ts outlined in my book, The Little Black Book On
Relationships. Those don’ts are “Don’t Control Your Partner” and “Don’t Ask Your Partner to Change.”
David Caddy, my husband of 27 years, lists the fact that I never ask him to change him as the
#1 reason he’s stayed with me. You could call it loving the person you’re with for who they are,
not who you wish they were.
(By the way, that’s another do: Look at who you’re with, not who you wish you were with.)
Obviously, the girlriend of Daniel Ratcliffe (Harry Potter’s name in real life, ie the name
of the actor who’s playing him) apparently finds neatness around the house preferable
to the money, the looks, the possibilities that those looks and
wealth can provide for both their lives.
What I find most annoying about women with this attitude is their presumption that they
know better than their man how to be a man. Excuse me, who made you God? Isn’t there
intense superiority and judgment inherent in a woman’s knowing how a man should be?
When someone is judging you or being superior to you they have the probably unconscious
but nonetheless real for them point of view that they are better than you,
smarter than you, and otherwise superior to you. Is that a point of view anyone really
desires to live with?
I would say that Daniel Radcliffe’s girlfriend is judging that a tidy house–not only a tidy
house, that can be provided by hired staff–but a house kept to HER standards by Daniel
personally is more important than a relationship that works. Good luck, honey!
How about you? Where have you judged that your man or your woman must change? Would
you be willing to give that up now? Did you “fall in love” (a topic for another blog or two) with
them as they are, or as you would like them to be? If your answer is as they are, then why are
you trying to change them? If your answer is as you would like them to be, or as they would be
if they’d only be as great as you’ve judged they should be, then what is the value of living in a
fantasy rather than a reality?
When you have the point of view that someone would be “better” if only they’d ….(Fill in your
own blank here) can you really see the wonderfulness that that person is all the time? Are you not
placing a huge limitation on the joy and appreciation and gratitude that can be present in your
relationship if only you’d be present to receive it?