One of the joys (really!) of doing this relationship work is that material and additional information and insights presents itself to me everywhere.
Yesterday, it was during lunch with some of the girls (the ones I could share with if I wished, instead of trying to share with my man….)
A friend across the table waited for me to return from a quick trip to the ATM before sharing her latest. She’d had one date with this guy she met at her kids’ school–not a bad place to meet someone if you have three kids. You don’t have to make up an excuse to be there–everyone knows why you’re there. So meeting someone can be a nice little perk.
We chatted a little while. Why were we having this conversation? The truth eventually emerged! She was evaluating this guy for his potential as relationship material. This violates one of the Relationship Do’s–live in the present. It’s designed to avoid the fast-forward, where as soon as we meet someone we’re evaluating what it would be like to live with them for the rest of our lives.
A better approach, and also the question I asked her was “Are you having fun with him now?” It’s a much better predictor of whether the future will be fun. And if the present isn’t fun, why would you be interested in the future? Why would you expect it to be any different?
He didn’t have children, actually, he’d just come along to a fund raising event with a friend. Later, he called that friend to find out a) if she was single and b) if she’d like him to call her. Yes and Yes!
This is a good sign, by the way. The guy that’s not so macho that he can blaze on through and ask anyone to go out with him without ever admitting the pain of the turn down to anyone may meet our fantasies of the ideal lover–but how sensitive to your viewpoints is he likely to be? This guy was obviously aware enough not to wish to ask out someone who was already committed, and a bit interested not in being hurt again. Not necessarily a bad sign, either of those, in my book.
They went to dinner. She had a good time. This is a woman who’s recently discovered she’s been falling for guys who want her to want them–which is not the same thing as finding a guy who desires you. Which category do you fall into?
So she’s trying to do something different, and like her potential boyfriend, also trying to avoid being hurt by doing the wrong thing or making the wrong choice. She’d never fallen for a nice guy before. Was he not just too nice to be exciting? Too nice to be in relationship with?