I have noticed for some time that relationships are the area of the greatest insanity on the planet. (Money is a close second.) But now there’s proof! Read on:
Check out the news that greeted me when I logged into comcast this morning–van der Sloot, the Dutchman that is in jail for killing a young woman in Peru and is also suspected of killing lovely 18 year old Natalie Holloway a couple of years ago, is receiving marriage proposals while in jail. Apparently he isn’t alone, either. This is something people do. Even Charles Manson received marriage proposals while in jail for multiple murders.
The current villain, this guy van der Sloot, killed a girl within 24 hours of meeting her, and you want to get married to the guy? Is there anybody home? (He has confessed by the way, I’m not labelling him guilty without proof of it, reported in the media, anyway.)
The browser article continued with a interview with various experts describing what kind of childhood these women would have to have had to do such a thing. They had such absent parents that they would only feel safe in a relationship over distance (life in prison would qualify…and if he gets the death penalty?). Or they are so deprived of love and would do anything for attention that they hope to bask in some of the publicity reflected off their intended. Who cares? Does explaining why something crazy happens go anywhere towards changing it? What’s of more value, changing an old pattern or understanding WHY it happens as it happens over and over again?
I bring this up as another window for us to use to look at our own relationships. Most of us were abused in one way or another. My personal abuse is anytime we were not encouraged and supported to be the greatness we are and can be. So abuse can be not only physical and sexual, but also emotional, financial, consisting of neglect and indifference. So even the most loving parents abused us some way or other (that’s a topic for another day, I promise). And adults who had loving parents are actually a very small percentage of the population–usually 1-2%, not more than 5 %, in seminars where I have seen the question asked.
And so the point, Vanessa (thank you Austin Powers), is that almost all of us have some tendancy to confuse love with abuse. Think about it–has there been anyone in your adult life that just cared about you, thought you were great, didn’t wish to change you but loved you just the way you are? For some of you, the answer will be no. For others for whom the answer is yes, how well did you receive that caring? Or did you find the person “too nice,” not exciting enough, “too good to be true.” Did you somehow push him or her away because without that edge of abuse–the judgment, criticism, negativity, insistence on limitation, or even physical abuse–it just “didn’t feel like love” to you?
Could this explain why it sometimes seem “nice guys finish last,” while the dangerous naughty guys that your whole family will caution you against can so often be the object of desire? How well do those romances tend to end?
So how about you, how often and how have you misidentified and misapplied abuse as love, or love not as love because it didn’t include abuse? Try living with this question for a while and see what turns up! You might have some interesting insights, which I’d love to hear about!
Have you signed up for the class on Sunday yet? You’ll get to hear both David and myself, sharing our unique (have you noticed?) points of view about relationships. It’s free! Sign up on the front page. I hope to speak with you soon!