Should I marry him? Can you hurt someone by breaking up with them?

I recently ended a 2 year long distance relationship. It hurt him pretty badly because we planned to get married but I ended this relationship because I was falling in love with another man. The break up seemed like big sacrifice in these circumstances because even though I don’t have feelings for him anymore, I keep asking myself, “Should I have waited?” This newer man has asked me to marry him, and I would love to. But it all seems too good to be true. How is a girl ever sure after all that has happened? How were you sure of your decision?

I just received this comment and it’s such a great illustration of what comes up in relationships that I thought I’d blog about it.

“I recently ended a 2 year relationship…it hurt him pretty badly.” Can anyone really hurt anyone else? Or is the only person that can hurt you or heal you actually you? If you needed to end the relationship, would it have been a kindness to him to continue it? Or would it have kept him from seeing what he could have learned and perhaps prevented him from finding a relationship that worked mutually?

I’m not sure what the askewr meant by the break-up seemed like a sacrifice, unless she sees telling the truth even when it’s painful as a sacrifice. By telling the truth, I mean facing up to what’s really happening. If she didn’t really wish to be in the relationship, it was going to end sooner or later. Do you pull a bandaid off one hair at a time, or do you pull it, put up with the sting, and move on? I am NOT implying that it is good or recommended in a relationship to tell one’s “Truth” all the time. That’s a topic for another blog…

How is a girl ever sure about whether and when to get married? For me, the best indicator of whether a relationship will last is whether it’s fun at the moment. IF it is, that’s the best indication that it will be in the future. If you’re waiting for an engagement ring, a baby, or some other external event to arriv like a fiary godmother and make it fun–you are deluding yourself.

We actually got married because David required a green card! We might not ever have gotten married otherwise! But even then, I was living in the present. It seemed like the thing to do at the time, and it’s not an irreversible decision. Divorce does exist….Again, I am not recommending getting married planning to be divorced. (Many people do that, by the way, entering a relationship with the back door open.) I am saying that if you are not aware of it as one of your options you might have less freedom in your relationship than you otherwise would have.

Another point regarding how does a girl know is this: are you still looking for “the one”? What if on a planet of 7 billion people there was more than one one? What if instead of looking till you found the 1 out of 7 billion, you only had to find someone who was fun and with whom a relationship would work? Doesn’t that make your search easier?

Lastly, what does marriage mean to you? Why the rush, especially when you have unresolved feelings from the prior relationship? Why not live together and see how it works–which is pretty much what David and I have been doing for 27 years. Hope this helps!

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  • Dejana

    Hi Kacie,
    I’ve stumbled upon your blog by chance and after reading the first article, I thought wow! this is amazing, I got to find out who is this? LOL, such a great surprise that it is you, and that I already know you.

    I read “…What if instead of looking till you found the 1 out of 7 billion, you only had to find someone who was fun…”..Fun??? wow! my mind did boom crash bling zing and disappeared into space! lol! right wrong good bad….
    Thank you! So grateful for your presence in my life!
    Happy thanksgiving!