I just got back from the UK, where I was doing a workshop in London sharing the tools to create a lasting relationship.
While I was there, the headlines were all about Kate Winslet leaving her second husband, Sam Mendes, because he let the bomb drop–he wasn’t interested in having a relationship with just one woman at a time.
Storm, heartbreak, outrage, tears!
I have a different point of view. This couple had been together for 7 years, and have a 6 year old child as well as a 9 year old by Kate’s prior marriage.
How likely is it that his point of view on lasting and monogamous relationships changed during that time? Not very.
Hence my question, what did Kate deny she knew, or pretend not to know, that ended up in this disaster 7 years later? Sam was just being Sam!
How many of us have fallen into Kate’s trap, or Sam’s trap? I love him/her, she’he’s perfect, he’s/she’s mine….without looking at who you really have in front of you.
This falls into the category of one of the 6 Do’s I have for Creating a Relationship that You’ll Enjoy (for 25 years or more). That Do is: Look at who you’re with, not who you WISH you were with. Kate wished to be with someone who would love her exclusively forever, Sam obvious wished to be with someone who was not interested in fidelity.
Is either of these wrong? No, just different! And in this case not compatible! Relationships are the area of the greatest insanity on the planet, and the source of so much heartache!
What would it take for things to be different between men and women, and relationships of any other kind as well? I do have some ideas. Stay tuned!
And in case you missed it, I gave you a tool that could make a difference. People, even those we adore, are going to be who they are going to be. Sam’s going to cheat, Kate’s going to cry. Of course we can’t change anyone but ourselves. The way out of the heartache is to be willing to have the awareness of who the person in front of you is–then you will have choices instead of surprises.
Hence the tool: in any area where surprises are unpleasant for you at the moment, you can ask yourself this question: What did I know that I denied I knew or pretended not to know?
If nothing else, it will erase the excuse that you were a victim. Now what would you like to choose?