Good morning! It’s Friday, December 24, and they’re expecting a blockbuster day of shopping today, according to the news I read yesterday. Whereas black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, is always expected to be the biggest shopping day of the year, they’re expecting today to be bigger. Black Friday shoppers were calculating, going after exactly what they wanted. Today’s shoppers of course are the last minute ones–the men! Quel surprise!
What does Christmas shopping in your marriage tell you about your marriage? Do you base your opinion of how much your spouse loves you on the kind of presents they provide? How well is that working for you? Shopping is just one aspect of a man’s personality, and, as most women know, not a very big one! How good a criteria is it to base your relationship on?
On the other hand, what do YOU desire from your relationship? If having someone who buries you with gifts on a regular basis is really important to you–then you should go for that. How to stay married and happy is all about you having what you desire in a relationship that works for you. And if Santa Claus is your idea of Mr. Wonderful, then we’re here to assist you in finding and keeping him.
If other factors, such as a sense of comfort, energetic and emotional compatibility, and ease of good times together are your goal, then you might wish to re-evaluate any emphasis you’ve put on how your hubby or significant other shops. It’s a little bit akin to sharing. Sharing is one of the 6 things we recommend you NOT do if your marriage is to survive. We go into this in far more depth in our 6 Do’s and 6 Don’ts to Create a Relationship that’s Easy and Fun. Short version, when you share (usually that’s the women) you’re asking your man to be a woman. Men are emotionally and chemically not wired to share, though many women have trained them to do this. When you train your man to listen to your sharing (truth, isn’t that what happens? most of the time) you’re asking your man to be just like you–a woman–with a penis. Then when you’d like him to be a stallion in bed, how does that work?
When you ask a man to shop, isn’t that similar? My sister used to demand that my brother send her birthday cards to show that he loved her. I could never see the point. Did she value the cardboard card, or the emotion it supposedly represented? Was the emotion it represented true or a pretense when she had to nag him to get it?
So if you’re nagging your man to buy you presents to show that he loves you, isn’t that pretty similar? Is that your best choice? What if you listened to the energy around you and were grateful for how he does express his love, whatever that is. My husband just remodelled our bathroom. Not a fun three weeks to put up with–but I am so grateful for the beauty and comfort he’s added to our lives. That means much more to me than a present tied up with a bow.
What if you asked how your husband is showing he loves you, instead of coming from a fixed expectation that the presents he buys and the money he spends are proof of it? It could create a different world!