Then how come we called it how to be married and happy? Reason #1–it was an url that was available. My first 5 choices weren’t.
And seriously, how common is the belief that once you’re married, things are somehow different? And that allows the whole behavior around dating to be so bizarre like it had nothing to do with staying with the person, or what it would be like to stay with the person. Think about it–isn’t all of dating about putting your best foot forward to “catch” the person of your dreams?
One blog I ran into put it very succinctly:
Unfortunately marriage these days is like dating. Usually you meet someone, you date, of course everything is wonderful you are seeing stars and smelling roses the entire time. And then by some wonderful stroke of sheer genius someone in the relationship brings up the wonderful idea of marriage. Hold up wait a minute let’s back up how did we go from incredible “you know what” to walking down the isle? Waking up looking at the distorted swollen morning face and bed head, not too mention the implausible what used to be cute morning breath, which incidentally becomes horrid after you tie the not.
That’s from: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/883927/why_do_so_many_marriages_end_in_divorce.html?cat=23
What if the problem with marriage were not marriage but dating? Isn’t it possible that the whole game of dating is the worst possible prelude to a marriage that’s easy and fun? I know, easy and fun isn’t how most people describe marriage, but it is my experience which is why I’m doing this blog and the seminars listed on this site. It is possible!
But I digress–what if the whole dating ritual putting on your sexiest dress, being treated like a princess, looking your best for catch the man of your dreams–were in its very unreality the worst way to start a relationship?
In one way, I shouldn’t be talking about this. My husband David and I have gone on far more dates AFTER being married than we did before. Of course, most numbers are higher than 0, which is the number of dates we had.
Again, we’re different. That’s why we’ve been asked to share what we know about creating a relationship that works. Somehow we were out to lunch when the rulebook of relationships on this planet was passed out, so the only way we knew to create one was to do what worked for us. And one thing that’s very different about us is that we’re real. We’re not very willing to be anything other than ourselves. So instead of the best-foot-forward that others seem to operate from to attract a relationship, we operated from the assumption that “what you see is what you get.”
That is NOT to say that you have to go out of your way to be nasty to the person you’re with, or hoping to be with, to test them out to see if they really love you. You can drive anyone away if you desire it enough. But disguising anything of who you really are doesn’t serve you either.
If you disguise who you really are, one of two things will happen. The REAL YOU will sneak out when you least expect and desire it, OR you will create a relationship based on such illusion that you might as well have two paperdoll cut outs of fairytales involved, that’s how much of you is in the relationship.
Be who you are. Be real. Be vulnerable. Let the person know you. Isn’t that what we all long for anyway, someone to love us for who we really are? How can you have that if you don’t let the person see who you really are?
By the way, this does not mean that sharing all of your feelings–asking your partner to be your toxic waste dump for all of the shit that happened to you during the day–is the way to keep your relationship healthy. That’s why one of the 6 don’ts is Don’t share your feelings. More about that later. It’s a long story, for another day.
If you’d like to hear more about it sooner, check out the telecall happening now! It’s not too late to participate, and you can get in on all but the first call live. See ecourses, and I hope to hear from you soon!